Everybody Hurts
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: Another take on the relationship between Spike and Dawn, set right after "The Gift". Title stolen from R.E.M.


**Another take on the relationship between Spike and Dawn, set right after "The Gift". Triggered by a conversation with an author I admire – this is your fault, adangeli! Hope I could live up to your expectations.**

 **Beta'd by ebineez01 who has a lot on her mind and still took the time. Thanks, luv.**

He had risked his life trying to to save her. Actually it had been the second time after letting Glory beat him into a bloody pulp rather than giving up her secret. That had to mean something, right? It meant that he cared about her.

Dawn decided she had to go check on him. Nobody else seemed to care much how he was doing. Sure, they were all still shell shocked over losing Buffy, Dawn probably more so than the rest – but still it felt wrong to just leave him to his own devices. So a few days after – that incident Dawn sneaked out of the house. She was immediately reminded of the last time she had done that, and how she'd run into Spike in the process. It made her smile. Technically he hadn't been there because of her, but still. She knew Buffy had hated him hanging around the house, 'stalking her', but Dawn had always felt safe with him out there. Like he was keeping watch. Nothing could get to her unless it went through Spike. At least that's how she had chosen to look at it. She took her time on her way to his crypt, slowing down more and more the closer she got. What if he didn't want her there? She had no idea what shape he'd be in. He had taken a pretty nasty fall, but then again he was a vampire. A few days of healing – maybe he was already back to his old form? She stopped. What if he wasn't even there? Should she wait for him to return? Just sneak out and pretend she hadn't been there? Leave a note? What on earth could she write in a note like that? She took a deep breath and decided to cross that bridge when she got to it.

She stopped right outside his door, trying to control her breathing, trying to get her heart to slow down. She'd been standing there a full five minutes when she realized that he could probably hear her, or smell her, or both. So if he was in he would already know that she was there. No chance to make a dignified retreat then...taking another breath she closed her eyes and knocked.

"Go away!"

Huh. So he _was_ in, but he sounded – weird.

"Spike? It's Dawn."

"Yeah, I figured."

So he knew it was her and still he didn't ask her in. He didn't want her around. Dawn tried to ignore the pain that caused. She had imagined something completely different – her trying to help him, comfort him, even though she had to admit it didn't sound very likely. He'd never let her see him weak, proud and stubborn as he was...she felt tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat. She wanted so badly to help him, take care of him because no one else would. And she needed him to take care of her, feeling small and scared and like there was no one she could really talk to.

"Please", she said, just loud enough for his vampire senses to pick it up through the door. Nothing. She considered just going in, knowing the door wasn't locked, but didn't. No way would she impose herself on him if he really didn't want her there. But she couldn't bring herself to leave either. So she just slid down and sat with her back against his door, her knees drawn up and the tears flowing silently. And then she felt the door open and he was there, squatting down behind her, his hand on her back.

"Hey", he said, and again she thought he sounded strange. "You just gonna cry a river on my doorstep or you gonna come in?"

She stood, and so did he, and she looked up at him. The bruises on his face looked a little better, but he was impossibly thin and even paler than usual, if that was at all possible.

"Have you been eating at all?" she rushed out without thinking.

He gave her a weak little smile.

"Haven't had much of an appetite."

He turned back, leaving the door open for her.

"Neither have I", she admitted, following him and closing the door behind her.

"But shouldn't you – I mean you need the blood to heal, right?"

"What's the use?"

It cut right through her heart. Spike had given up. He was the strongest, most stubborn person she knew – and he'd given up. Her fingers itched with the need to touch him, do something, anything that would make him better, but she didn't dare. Instead she tried to think of something she could _say_ to make him better – which was pointless. What do you tell somebody who'd just lost the love of his – unlife? Even though Buffy hadn't felt about him the same way, Dawn just knew how much he had to be hurting. She'd had dreams...nightmares...Buffy jumped and she couldn't do anything...and Spike took that horrible, brutal fall...and didn't get back up. She'd woken up in tears, crying for her sister as much as for him. So she knew how he felt.

"I know how you feel", she said, very softly, and it made him look at her. She thought he'd brush her off, tell her she knew nothing about his pain, but he didn't. He just nodded.

"I know. You lost her, too."

Uh, yeah. That, too. She drew a breath.

"So what have you been doing?"

"Drinking, mostly."

He pointed to the bottle on the floor next to his armchair with his chin.

"Works better with nothing else in the system."

And then she could see him transform right before her eyes. He straightened, squaring his shoulders, forcing a smile.

"So what can I do for ya? The scoobies send you? Need muscle?"

She felt like punching him. And she realized with perfect clarity that he wouldn't let her in. He was way out of her league, so far that he didn't even consider opening up to her. Her throat constricted.

"Yeah", she choked out.

"Guess _someone_ should be patrolling", he said, a little absent minded. "Tell them I'll be on it as soon as the sun sets."

Dawn just nodded and fled, but she didn't make it very far. She was so tired and sore, all she wanted was some rest. She didn't feel like going back to the house, Spike hadn't wanted her around, so where could she go? She wandered around until she realized she'd never made it more than a few hundred feet from the cemetery, so she returned to Spike's crypt and curled up on the ground next to it. She knew it was pathetic, but she just couldn't bring herself to care.

She woke up when someone touched her shoulder.

"Really no a place for a lady, niblet", Spike said with a half smile. She burst into tears and he pulled her close.

"Shhhh, it's OK little bit. Please don't cry."

She tried. She really tried to stop but it was no use. There on the ground of the cemetery, wrapped in his embrace, she felt safe and secure for the first time since – thinking of Buffy made her sob even harder.

"I'm so lost", she choked out between sobs. "I'm all alone."

Spike stroked her hair.

"You know that's not true. They're all there for you. _We're_ all there for you."

She pulled back to look at him.

"I'm here, niblet. OK? I'm here whenever you need me. Please stop crying."

She drew a shaky breath and wiped her eyes.

"OK."

"OK. So let's get you back home, alright?"

~o0o~

Dawn took him up on his word, paying him a visit whenever she felt like she couldn't take it any more, and he kept his promise. He listened to her, made her laugh, got her to eat. He helped with her homework, they watched TV together or played cards. He never talked about himself though, but at least he didn't drink as much, started feeding again and went on patrol every night.

One night he opened the front door to the Summers' house the moment Dawn came down the stairs, and they both froze. He couldn't help his gaze traveling down her body and up again, and when he met her eyes she blushed most adorably. Oh this girl would be some bloke's downfall very soon – and he wasn't sure he liked the idea. This was little Dawn after all! He cleared his throat.

"So what's his name?"

Dawn stared at him for a moment and then she smiled.

"Can't a lady just look good for herself?"

He returned her smile with a gracious little nod.

"Sure she can. Can't blame a bloke for noticing though."

Dawn gave him a brilliant smile that looked so much like her sister's it made his gut clench. Luckily she was out the door a moment later and didn't see the look on his face. Tara did though - and mistook it.

"It's Janice's birthday today and I said Dawn could go. You think that was wrong?"

Spike needed a moment to wrap his head around the fact that his opinion was asked. Then he shook his head.

"No! God knows the girl needs to have some fun. When's she supposed to be home?"

"She's sleeping over."

Spike raised a brow.

"Didn't take a bag."

Tara grinned.

"Didn't go with the outfit."

That made Spike chuckle. Sweet little Dawn. Trying so hard to be a lady and still such a child. A moment later he turned serious.

"Anything I should know before I go patrolling?"

"Ah, yeah. Mr. Giles said to look out for these."

She showed him a picture in one of Giles' books. Spike made a face.

"Urgh. Nasty buggers. Did he say how many?"

"I assumed just one?"

"Nah. They run in packs. Might need a weapon."

He hesitated. The more effective stuff was upstairs...in – again his gut clenched. Tara smiled at him, fully understanding.

"What do you need?"

A wave of gratitude washed over him.

"Sword would be nice."

She turned to climb the stairs.

"Thank you", he said to her back, and again she smiled at him over her shoulder.

"You're welcome."

~o0o~

Spike was leaning against the door frame in the Summers' living room while Giles and Willow were discussing their latest research. He did pay attention, but from the corner of his eyes he caught Dawn looking at him. She'd been doing that a lot lately, and he knew that look. God knows she wasn't the first female to look at him like that and she probably wouldn't be the last, but she was Dawn, for Christ's sake. Sweet little Dawn. The niblet. She shouldn't even be capable of that look or the feeling behind it. Spike closed his eyes. Ignore it. It's a crush. It will pass. Just don't encourage it. Any further...stupid thing he did the other night when she was all dressed up. It was what he did – flirting coming as natural to him as – well breathing _used to_ do. But in Dawn's case he probably sparked something that could only lead to heartache and pain. Hadn't the poor kid been through enough? So what now – avoid her? She trusted him, if he let her down it would hurt her just as bad. Great. And now he had obviously missed something crucial in Giles' lecture because all eyes were on him and Giles said his name in a way that indicated it hadn't been the first time. OK, back to business then.

~o0o~

Dawn had spent hours thinking about what to wear, futzing with her hair and make up only to give a frustrated growl and retreat into the shower. She'd start all over again. She sat down in the tub and let the warm water wash over her, trying to soothe her nerves. Tears were starting to flow and were washed away immediately. This shouldn't be so hard. She'd been dreaming about this for ages, and tonight it was finally happening. That was supposed to be a good thing for Pete's sake! Instead she was sitting here in her bathroom, trying to get ready for the most important night of her life - crying her eyes out. Her sister wasn't there and she wouldn't have approved of this date anyway. Her mother wasn't there either. There wasn't a single soul in the world she could talk to about Spike because the only person she could talk to these days _was_ Spike! And if she messed up tonight there might not even be Spike. The thought of losing him brought fresh tears to her eyes. What had she been thinking. No matter what she wore or what her hair looked like he'd never see her the way she saw him. Dawn closed her eyes. This was the stupidest idea she'd ever had. Dinner and a movie with Spike. Why on earth had he even said yes? Pity? Her stomach turned at the image in her mind. Him in his crypt, cursing himself for having said yes, trying not to hurt her feelings. Probably mildly amused at her crush. He knew, right? He had to know. How do you let a guy know you like him without being too obvious? She'd put herself out there with that suggestion and now she felt utterly silly. Good thing he didn't have any friends or else they'd be laughing about her right now. The silly little girl with a crush on a vampire. Intrigued by his cheek bones and blue eyes and lean build. Stupid stupid stupid. They might have become friends if she hadn't been this silly. Yeah right. As if he'd ever see her as an equal. She was just a little girl to him, a baby sister at best, a responsibility. No way could she sit across a table from him pretending they were on an equal footing. What had she been thinking. She turned off the water and pulled a towel around herself, and then she locked the door to her room and slipped between the sheets, hugged her pillow and started sobbing. She'd been so proud of her courage to ask him, counting the days and getting more and more excited – and now he'd be waiting there for her in vain. Would he be mad at her? Worried? Probably a little irritated but finally relieved. He'd have the night to himself to go patrolling or whatever he _really_ wanted to do.

She must have cried herself to sleep because she woke up a little later from a small sound. There it was again. What – again. Something hitting her window. She got out of bed, realized she was still dressed in nothing but a towel and put on her robe. Opening her window just a crack she peered outside.

"Thank God, niblet", Spike hissed, not sounding very thankful to whatever deity. It sounded more like "What were you thinking?!"

Shit. He was mad at her. Well she couldn't really blame him, could she? She'd asked him out on a date and then stood him up. What _had_ she been thinking?

"Are you OK?"

Huh. Not mad then?

"Wait a minute!"

She closed the window, threw on some sweat pants and a t-shirt and hurried down the stairs as stealthily as she could manage.

He was waiting for her just outside the door, arms crossed over his chest, eyebrows raised. She swallowed.

"I – I'm sorry Spike. I just -"

"I was worried!", he said, quite reproachfully.

Despite his stern look she felt a warm feeling spread through her body. He'd been worried! She looked down and then up again through her lashes.

"I'm sorry I had you worried."

"I thought – well I never liked the idea of you out there on your own, and you never know, it's Sunnydale after all, and -"

She took a step and stood close, looking into his eyes, and then her gaze dropped to his mouth. So close. She closed her eyes and leaned in – and felt him tense. Dawn opened her eyes and backed away.

"Dawn", Spike said, and there was something like fatigue in his voice. She thought she'd be sick. Could you actually be sick from embarrassment? If not then she had just invented it. She felt her cheeks burn and turned away from him, trying to hide, trying to decide if she should run. And then there was his hand on her shoulder, a light squeeze.

"Hey", he said, and she knew what he wanted, but she couldn't. She wouldn't look him in the eye. Like, ever again. He just kept his hand where it was, waiting, and of course she gave in. Her eyes met his. So beautiful...how could there be so much emotion if he really was a soulless evil thing like Buffy had always said he was? Dangerous? Yes. But in a completely different way than big sis had thought. Big sis. She'd obviously been even dumber than Dawn had thought. To have a man like Spike want her, love her, and not love him back! Dawn felt anger rise. Buffy never deserved him. She would have to wait, be patient, be there. Wait until he got over his grief, _help_ him through his grief. They could help each other, and maybe then he would see her. Really see her. See the love and the devotion and the loyalty that she was capable of. Get over the age thing. See the woman she was.

A picture flashed through Spike's mind, rose from his memory, unbidden. The picture of a girl Dawn's age. Crying. Pleading. His jaw set. He'd been a different man back then. Dawn was safe. He would never hurt the niblet. He'd do whatever necessary to make sure she was safe.

Dawn finally realized they still stood, frozen in place, eyes locked. The way he was looking at her... she felt her heart thump and her palms get sweaty. God she wanted him. Wanted him close, touch him, move into him and have him hold her. She swallowed. He was still looking at her, but then all of a sudden he broke the eye contact and the moment was over. She felt like bursting into tears, and of course he read her body language perfectly and gave her a soft smile.

 _Like I'm some hurt little animal_ , she thought, feeling frustration rise. There was still a lump in her throat, but it was helpless anger now. She felt like punching something really hard. And he read that correctly as well, unconsciously taking a step back. Her hands were tight fists at her sides when she murmured "I guess you better go", and then she slipped back into the house and was gone in the blink of an eye.

~o0o~

Dawn didn't come by his crypt any more, and whenever he went to the house she was nowhere to be seen. He waited a few days, but then he couldn't take it any longer, so he asked Tara:

"How's Dawn holding up?"

The witch let out a breath.

"I'm not sure. She's doing OK at school as far as I can tell but she hardly talks, spends a lot of time in her room. She's started to lock the door."

Spike really didn't like the sound of that. Tara looked at him, biting her lip.

"I was thinking – maybe if _you_ tried to talk to her?"

Spike heaved a sigh.

"Look, I'm not sure..."

"Please? No one's getting through to her."

He closed his eyes for a moment. Fine. What the hell was he supposed to say to her? She'd told him to get lost, and things would be horribly awkward. But he had made a promise to her, not to mention the one he had made to Buffy, and apparently it was time to do the mature thing. This wasn't about him, this was about the niblet. She was suffering and she needed him, even though she herself would probably deny that. Tara nodded at him with a small smile and retreated. OK fine. Into the teenager's den.

He knocked on her door.

"What?" She sounded pissed.

"It's me, niblet. Can you please let me in?"

There was a pause, clothes rustling, then her footsteps. She opened the door a little, looking at him, stepping back to let him in. He wasn't sure if he should reach out for her. She looked so lost, so small and delicate. She stared at nothing, scratching at her arm underneath her sweater, and she just wouldn't stop, so he put a hand over hers and stilled her movement. When he let go the sleeve slid up and revealed read marks on the inside of her forearm. She tried to cover them up but he was faster, gripping her wrist and pulling the fabric away.

"What happened to you, pet?"

She struggled to get out of his grip.

"You're hurting me!"

He let go and she pulled her sleeve down over her wrist.

"Talk to me", he said, soft, gentle.

Tears welled up in her eyes.

"I can't!"

She turned her back on him even though it was the last thing she wanted. She wanted his arms around her, wanted to feel safe, wanted him to make the pain stop. If she looked miserable enough, maybe he would...she let her shoulders drop, deliberately inhaling with a sob. And it worked. He put his hands on her shoulders, turning her towards him, and then he pulled her close. She was so shocked at being able to manipulate him that she went stiff, disgusted with herself for trying and with him for falling for it. He let go and she retreated, denying herself the comfort of his arms. He was confused. Something was majorly wrong here. He bit his lip.

"Look, Dawn, that stupid thing I said to you the night of Janice's birthday..."

"That wasn't stupid!", she burst out. "It was - sweet."

"It was inappropriate. It's what I do when -"

He bit his tongue just in time – but it was still making things harder for her. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Dawn, I didn't think. I'm sorry, luv."

They stared at each other, his last word hanging in the air. He winced. Stellar wording, Spike. He tried again:

"I'm sorry if it made you think..."

Dawn gave him a bitter smile.

"I had a crush on you way before that, Spike. Only you never noticed."

Ouch. He took a tentative step closer and she let him.

"You know I love you, right? Just not -"

"Just not the way I love you. Yeah. I know."

Dawn felt incredibly silly, but at the same time it was good to actually say it. It was there, she couldn't deny it. Let him deal with it, she was tired of hiding it.

"I know how painful that is, Dawn, and I'm sorry."

She looked up at him, fresh tears pooling. He gently pushed back the sleeves of her sweater. Her right arm was unhurt, the marks only on her left. Looked like burns. The spot a right handed person would pick to inflict pain on themselves. He brushed his thumb over the marks.

"Outside pain to soothe the one inside."

Not a question.

She collapsed against his chest and he held her as close as he could.

"Don't ever do that again, niblet. Please."

When she didn't speak he pressed:

"Please? Promise me?"

"Condition."

He held her at arms length, trying to read her.

"Are you trying to blackmail me?"

"I'm negotiating."

He smirked.

"Let's hear it."

"You don't hurt yourself either but find someone to talk to instead – and I stop."

He thought about protesting, arguing he'd never been self destructive – but couldn't honestly say that. No blood, just booze, hardly any sleep. Not really much better than cutting or burning your own skin...he knew it wouldn't be that easy for her, and he would have to watch her closely, but it was a start. A slow smile spread across his face as he pulled her close once more.

"Deal."


End file.
